Monday, October 8, 2012

Day 4 ~ A Sad Song

So, my challenge today brings me to a song that makes me sad.  Why would one choose to promote sadness?  I don't know, but again, my love of JT brings me to my song today.

THIS I PROMISE YOU is a love song, but for me it is much more.  I can't tell you how many times I listened to this song while deciding whether to keep my first daughter or place her for adoption.  I can still hear myself thinking, why SHOULD I keep her?  What can I give her?  Do I want children?  Do I even like children?  What will her life be like with me?  Can I give her everything I want for my child now?  What does her father want?  Honestly, that only crossed my mind once or twice.  It wasn't up to him to change my life more than it had already been  changed.

Well, it turns out that I was NOT ready to be a single mother at the age of 20.  While my heart still aches at only the mention of this song (and in reference, too), and my heart wants to burst at each meeting with her, I know I made the right decision for her and myself.  Yes, now that I have my own children to rear, I think about what kind of mother I would have been for her.  I think about how our lives would be different from what they have turned out to be.  Would she be able to participate in the sports she is in now?  Would I have met my husband and have the children I have now?  What would my relationship be now with her father?

It doesn't really matter "what would {or could} have been".  The way our lives stand now, I see her a few times a year, my family knows who she is, she knows who my family is.  I would love to be able to see her more, but I understand it is not possible now.  I hope that someday I will be able to answer any questions she has, I'm sure she has some that her parents cannot answer.  Until then, I cherish the time I have with her and look forward to the next time.

Want to read more about my experience with adoption?  Go here for my Birth Mother Story.